Never Established

Just a quick post to say that after tonight, I’ll be disappearing for a while. I’m going back to Sydney and we still don’t have internet. Not least because we just haven’t organised it. And , I suppose, there hasn’t been much time between Christmas and New Year. I’ll have to research it tonight and find out the best deal, because otherwise it’ll take another few months.

So I’ll be here, I just may not be posting.

1. What did you do in 2009  that you’d never done before?
Lived in Scotland, cooked for myself, moved into an apartment, achieved a credit for French, turned 21, spent my birthday in Paris, visited Nice, became a size 14…

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next this year?
I don’t do resolutions, I make goals. The difference being that one is negative (“I will not smoke, I will not eat all the Tim Tams”) and the other is measurable. Did I meet them? Most of them. As for this next year, it’s going to be the year of discipline. My goals are: 1) Lose the rest of this weight, 2) Achieve 3 Ds or higher and a Credit for French, and 3) Save as much money as possible. No splurging, no ‘oh, x won’t matter that much’….just discipline.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
My sister! I now have a niece!

4. Did anyone close to you die?
My granddad. Exactly a week after my 21st, while I was in Nice.

5. What countries did you visit?
The UK and France.

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
More money!

7. What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
8th January: The day I left for Scotland.
26th January: The day I moved into my apartment.
20 June: My 21st.
27th July: The day I flew home.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Making soup! I learnt how to do it from scratch. I even peeled the tomatoes and everything!

9. What was your biggest failure?
Not getting to my goal weight this year. But that’s all right — I had other stuff going on.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I caught the flu, then had a respiratory infection that the doctors didn’t pick up for about 3 months.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
My laptop!

12. Where did most of your money go?
Travel. All of it.

13. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Fitness! And feeling strong.

14. What song will always remind you of 2009?
Don’t Trust Me.

15. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder?
Happier? Less stressed, anyway. But also more stressed in a way. I’m not sure.
b) thinner or fatter?
The same! Maybe a little thinner.
c) richer or poorer?
Poorer. As poor as poor.

16. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Healthy eating, looking after myself.

17. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Eating! Spending money.

19. Did you fall in love in 2009?
Nope.

20. What was your favorite TV program?
House. Always.

21. What was the best book you read?
No idea.

22. What was your favorite film of this year?
I don’t know! I didn’t really see any.

23. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I had a party with my family and friends, saw a play, then flew to Paris.

24. What kept you sane?
Myself.

25. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
No idea.

26. Who did you miss?
My Mum and my friends in Australia, and then my Mum and my friends in Scotland!
27. Who was the best new person you met?
Duffy.

Hi everyone! Just a quick note to say Merry Christmas, hope you’ve all had an amazing time, wherever you are and whoever you’re with. Enjoy the holidays and the giving. I’ll be seeing you all soon!

Yesterday I went into the city and did my Basic First Aid course with St. John’s Ambulance. I’d mostly decided to do in for this job: I really, really want it and the second I realised I needed a First Aid Certificate I found the soonest course and enrolled. It helps, of course that I’ve been tossing up doing this course for a few months now.

The basic first aid course essentially equips you for the scary stuff. Heart attack, bleeding, how to bandage, how to give CPR, how to use a defibrillator. You can do it after the course, but would you really want to? I think the motto I took away from it, personally, was ‘treat as much as possible (i.e. stem the bleeding) and then get help quick smart. Full stop. I mean, it’s not like I’m a doctor.

So I complete the course, get my certificate and am driving home. It starts to drizzle – nothing horrible, just enough that I have to turn my windscreen wipers on. Enough to realise that half my wiper has somehow disappeared. How do you lose half a wiper, I wonder? The short wiper was on the driver’s side, and the rain was beginning to mess up my view. I slow down. It’s the beginning of the Christmas road toll; I don’t want my biggest achievement to be ‘another casualty’.

I’m driving along quite happily, pulling up to a light behind a green car. I’m not thinking or singing or doing anything, really. I’m mostly just staring into space. And so I’m shocked when suddenly I here a car horn followed by a smash. I look up, and in those 2, 3 seconds, three cars collided and then skidded off in different directions. A side mirror skidded and then stopped, just in front of the car next to me.

I stop. Holy shit, I think, I’m not actually able to handle this, I just did the course. The car in front of me sees that there’s enough space, and slowly inches past. He wasn’t involved in the accident. No damage. I move further forward. I stop just long enough to check the participants. Everyone is standing upright, everyone looks fine, they’re all talking and looking shaken, but fine. I bite my lip, wonder whether or not to offer help. I check the cars. Front and back bumpers, all of them.  Glancing blows.

I look at the people again, and make my decision. I drive past.

The words of my trainer at St. John’s come back to me: “If you aren’t already involved in the accident, then you aren’t legally required to help. Whether or not you do is entirely a moral decision. You can put your head down and say, ‘I can’t see you, I can’t see you’, and that’s fine. If it’s fine with you.”

Part of me wanted to jump out and be helpful. The other part was thinking “Everyone seems fine, and is one day of training really enough?”

Long, LONG overdue. I’ve rehauled the entire back of the website, so it’s all up to date and done. And, as you can tell, I’ve also played with the layout. More updates will follow — and more pictures, hopefully. There’s still some tweaking I want to do to this layout — I’d like a picture up the top, to begin with, and some colour, etc. But we’ll get to that when we come to it.

Have to go. Mum needs the internet. Will be back in about an hour, still messing around.

From this point forward, we will be cleansing, toning, moisturising, exfoliating, shaving, waxing, buffing, and primping — many of these daily — until winter shows her refreshing face. We will use products to make us look like we’ve got ‘beach tousled’ hair…and more products to stop us from really having beach tousled hair. For those that didn’t start waxing their legs in winter…too late, the razor is now your best friend. There will be layers of fake tan followed by sunscreen (because real tans are bad), artless hair that took hours to achieve, flawless complexions that have 6 layers of makeup…

Don’t you just love Summer?

I am claiming this title. I officially consider myself a domestic goddess. I’m unsure of the exact requirements for the position, but I feel that, regardless of how one defines it, I am one. I can cook, I make chocolates from moulds for Christmas, I am sewing the Christmas presents, and just generally am loving the zen that comes from being homey.

This sewing thing is wonderful. It’s like doing maths — there’s tricks and patterns, and it’s similar to doing a problem or equation that you think you can’t handle and then getting it right…that feeling is wonderful. But it’s more rewarding, too, because you can see it take shape as you go, can see where it all works and how it works. I love it.

It’s also become this wonderful creative outlet, because you are being creative, but it’s also structured. I’m thinking of taking up scrapbooking, too, but then I realised that it is actually very expensive to do so. I’ve restricted myself so that I can’t do anything of the sort until such time as I’ve found myself a job. I need the extra income, and as a reward, I can look at delving into the realm of creative practices.

No, really. I just failed an exam. I haven’t got the results, but I can already tell what the result will be.

I have always been a ‘high achiever’. I’ve always cared, I’ve always understood the class, I’m able to retain information through being told it and other people go, “How do you remember that stuff?” And this class has just….blind-sided me. I went to all the classes, I understood it as I was being taught it, I remember random information and yet…I go into the exam, as prepared as I could be after the week I just had, and I may as well have been doing an exam for a subject I don’t take. I had literally no idea what was going on. I could do parts of each question but never complete it — in one question I couldn’t even do the first part, and therefore not the second, or third. I was just completely at a loss.

The lecturer caught me as I was leaving. “Why are you leaving so early?” he asks.

I shrug. “I couldn’t do anymore.”

“Are you happy with it?”

“Nope.” He wants me to come to consultation hours. “Don’t worry,” he says, “this is a practice for the final. It’s only 30% of your total grade.”

Yeap. Only 30%. Thank goodness, otherwise I would have been really stressed, right?

I slept so very well last night. I dreamt consistently, and in each and every one I dreamt I was in love. When I woke up I counted 6 different situations in which I was gloriously happy, intrigued, interested and reciprocated. It was amazing. I woke up smiling, feeling so very content. In most dreams, he sought after me, although there were a couple where I was after him. And each time there was something so right about it. It was never the same person, always just a little bit different, but…

Gosh, nights like that make me wish I could sleep forever.

Because at the moment, it’s sure as hell too hard. I feel like juggling everything is too difficult, and each time I even think of something that needs to be done, I just want to go and hide under the covers for as long as possible. Stuff keeps happening, I keep losing the plot and half the time it’s my fault because of something I didn’t do months, even years ago. I feel ill-equpped to be an adult and it’s making me depressed.

Part of me just wants to put the panic off for as long as possible — and if I let any in, it’ll all come flooding. The other part knows that I’m going to have to deal with it regardless, and the only difference is whether or not I’ll end up doing all nighters to achieve it in the end.

So I’m trying to convince myself to go for the grown up option and do what I have to do. Until that time, I’m baking.

No, really.

I mean, normally I’m all girly anyway — I like make-up, the idea of camping scares me a little (though it does sound fun), I dislike mess and I spend too much time staring at myself in the mirror.

But last night I had this fact confirmed for me in the saddest way possible: I had a dream.

I dreamt that I had a pair of gorgeous Louboutin shoes which, due to some miraculous heel technology, did not in anyway hurt my feet and were, in fact, very comfortable.

Ha! I wish.

I am leaving the UK in 12 days. I will be back to Sydney in 20. What a scary thought. Part of me is oh, so ready to see my friends from back home again, but part of me is absolutely gutted to be going. It helps that I’ve already left Edinburgh, I think. I would be much more likely to get choked up if I were still there. As it is, I’m struggling with the idea of not seeing my sister again for at least a year, which is certainly difficult.

I have so much to do: packing, card writing, letters, souvenirs, applications…all sorts and it just feels like things are sort of tumbling down.

Right, need to go get ready for the day ahead.

Tonight is my last night in Nice, and I tell you, I cannot say that it’s been uneventful. I did make it to Old Nice, to Fennoccio’s, who do 96 different types of ice cream. I’ve been to the beach and did a little bit of a sight-seeing walk with one of the girls. I’ve met lots of random people in the hostel and drank too much a couple of times.

I’ve eaten far, far too much McDonalds, mostly because it’s close and I don’t want to cook. If it’s not McDo’s, it’s microwave food or just cheese. What can I say? I’m lazy, and I’m on holidays.

Last night, we went out again. I bought a bottle of vodka and between myself and another random guy, and we definately went through it all. I was  having a great time, until I just ended up drinking far too much, and started getting all weepy. My grandad died on Saturday and drinking too much when that happens is just bad. And then I spent 20 or so minutes  listening to some random guy telling me that I had to look out for this other girl that I met, because she’d been drinking  and he was sweet on her. He’s like “Seriously, look  after her, look after her” and I was just sitting there thinking “Um, what  about me? And then there were the old, old self-esteem issues raising their ugly heads.   And then my brother was there and drinking too much, and he hurt his foot and I totally lost it, because we always seem to end up taking care of him.

We ended up having to get  an ambulance to take him to hospital so that they could make sure it wasn’t broken (it wasn’t) and my brother and I got home at about 6:30 this morning. Fun, right?

So instead of going to Monacco, I spent my last day in Nice just chilling around and doing nothing. I was incredibly tired and very hungover, so I mostly just slept and sat around, which I was cool with. I had McDonalds for lunch and it did, it did taste like a hangover. I felt so, so seedy and just wanted to sleep forever. I almost never want to eat McDonalds again..the normal menu, anyway (guess what’s for breakfast, lol).
Then tonight we had a last supper with some of the friends we’ve met, and one of the guys, Ash, cooked — can  you believe it? — duck. So we had duck, egg fried rice, a marvellous sauce, prawn crackers…. all this on a student backpacker’s budget, and 10 of us sat down for a meal. It was great. Really felt like home.

So now, I’m back to Paris and onto a friend’s house just nearby. Then in 10 days, I’ll be on my way to England for the last of my journey before  I go back to Australia. I can’t believe how quickly it’s gone past.  It’s just flown.

Have made it to Nice and now have regular internet contact again, because the hostel I’m staying at is honestly awesome. Best hostel so far, and I’m not sure how you could top it. For example, the hostel has just been redone in some sort of marbley-tile thing, so it looks all swanky when you first walk in. My brother and I looked at each other and rolled our eyes, going “Yeah, here we go”, since a lot of hostels have nice receptions but shitty rooms. But the rooms are actually not that bad — they aren’t marbled, but the bathroom (shared between only 4 people, we got a small dorm) is. There’s a gorgeous courtyard and it’s all mediterranian — all terracotta and bright blue. There’s a ‘chill out room’ where we go after 9, and its all swanked up, too. If that weren’t enough, the night manager kept popping bottles of champagne and pouring it for us — I’ve never been to a hostel which gave free champagne before.

Actually, I have the feeling that the owner has just changed hands, maybe, and that the night-manager may be the owner. He’s wearing real Ralph Lauren polos (can tell by the cut) and is very free with the champagne. There’s a kitchen, everything is very clean and well run, there’s airconditioning in all the rooms…it’s really, really lovely.

Nice itself is great, although now I’m here I hear all sorts of dodgy things. Someone got mugged outside the hostel just last night, while one of the guys here had his wallet stolen by a little old lady..others have been sitting as a group when someone runs through and grabs a bag a nicks off with it. It’s a bit dodgy.

But apart from that, it’s lovely. It’s hot and the sun shines and it has this amazing quaintness to it which is so much fun. The beach is gorgeous and I can’t wait to go exploring (currently waiting for the brother to wake up). I have another…6 days or so before I leave, so I want to go to Monacco and then maybe do a boat-thing, go to the beach some more, explore Old Nice, all that sort of stuff.

How to update on everything that has happened since I left Edinburgh? I pondered the question long and hard.  And then it came to me, two sweet, sweet words: Dot. Points.

• Left Edinburgh, went to London.
• Photoshoot = awesome!
• Less with the partying, but did catch up with a friend from high school, Kate Gover.
• Natural History Museum = dinosaurs! Also, I got annoyed when all the kids were playing with the games. I wanted to play!
• Lazing in Hyde Park in the sun was wonderful.
• Return to Northallerton.
• E-mail from brother, who is in Edinburgh after coming home from Amsterdam…someone has run out of money and cannot buy a ticket to where I was.
• Several days of exploring Yorkshire, including some plays and lovely icecream.
• Down to my sister’s for my birthday, we go to the pub for a drink and…in walks my Mum!
• Much drinking and HUGE amounts of eating. Truly ridiculous.
• Party, party, party.
• Tomorrow, to Paris!

Whooo….I love dot points. And I must update this more often, otherwise I’ll just get left behind.

Because I’m moving away from Edinburgh in 2 days, eek. Not a great time to get back into a blog. I’ll demonstrate the fact by making this post a To Do List:

1. Buy an external hard drive.
2. Finish packing.
3. Do nails (what? I’m going to London for some weird photoshoot competition, nails need to look good!)
4. Eat dinner with the girls (my flatmates)
5. Get money back from Kevin the landlord.
6. Remember to give Kevin money from the other girl.
7. Cancel gas and electricity bill.
8. Buy one of those vacuum seal bags.
9. Go to charity store.

God knows what else, but there’s always more. Sigh.

My god, I know, right? I haven’t posted in over a year, and even then it was lamenting the fact that time moves so quickly. Which it does.
But I’ve been blogging quite a bit recently, at Girl my-previously-super-secret-Weight-Loss-blog and now not so super secret. This is mostly because I am no longer self-conscious about the fact that I want to lose weight. You can all know! (And I’m succeeding, too, slowly. I’ve lost 16kg and I will lose the rest.) Anyway, I’ve been blogging quite a bit, but it’s a weight loss blog, not an every-day-observation blog. I’ve realised recently that I miss putting myself out there and recording what I think. I don’t want to come back in 10 years and not know what I was going through.

So the layout may change, but expect to see something soon.

It’s difficult to believe how quickly time passes. At school it all seemed one big blur, nothing that interesting. Having left school and undertaken other projects [i.e. uni + doing not all that much for 4 months], it’s gotten to the point where I can pinpoint what I was doing at a certain day of the year. Father’s day in 2006, I was in Sydney at my friend Maddy’s. January 3rd this year, I was on my way to London. March 23th 2007 was my first day at work — a fact I rememer because I prophetically told my manager that I had to leave early due to the fact that my ‘best friend’ [a lie] had her birthday that day. Funnily, we later became best friends.

But it all goes past so quickly, a whirlwind of events and thoughts and fleeting glimpses. It came home to me today when I was browsing a forum I’ve frequented for years. A member who hasn’t posted in a long time has put up pictures of her newborn baby. Her baby. I’m trying to recognise, to fit together these differing pictures. How does a girl who is an all-american, cheerleading high-schooler turn into a woman who has been married for two years [do I know of this man? Should I?] who has had a baby [When did this happen?] and is almost finished her college degree [Did she always want to teach?]. How did I miss all this?

It’s not the only thing I’ve missed. I spoke about being at Maddy’s place before. When I left ICMS, Maddy was dating Dan, fully intent on finishing her degree, totally passionate about events. Now I hear news through mutual friends, and I want to know how you reconcile these. Maddy and Dan broke up, Maddy is back with her ex-boyfriend, she’s left her degree [although did come out with a diploma], and has moved to America [with current boyfriend].

It just slips by so quickly, and it’s bizarre because so much happens in people’s lives so very quickly. It’s not that the changes are a bad thing, by any means, but I feel like I’m missing out on the in betweens, the transitions in everyday lives, because I don’t keep in touch. And I feel, too, a little like I’m standing still — have I done anything that would make people go, “How did you go from point A to point B?” I don’t think so.

But maybe that’s because I know the in betweens.

Spammers are idiots. Firstly, the fact that they spam one post 875 times is stupid enough. That they always used the same name makes them twice as stupid, because search comments + name = two clicks and all posts are gone. Hopefully they’ll go away now.

…Ha.

I know this is nerdy to end all nerdy-ness, and I doubt that anyone involved with OB will read this post anyway [which could be a good thing, really, I don't know], but frankly, this year’s Nifty Fifty just wasn’t. nifty. And this isn’t sour grapes because I wasn’t in the fifty, because you can note that I didn’t even post a nomination. It’s just..These awards have been going for years, have evolved and grown. Last years awards were so polished, with graphics and divs with effort put into them. This years awards are, well, not. It’s just text, not even modified text at that. Frankly, I think that the Nifty 50 is the biggest event of the year, and it was rushed. I am not for it.

/rant